Dark Alleys

Blah... So the last two days at work I have been moving like a sloth. I had been making about 60 calls a day in the three weeks prior to this. The last two days? 15 total. Now I get calls and emails and do other things, but mostly I've come to work read about sports (and oddly enough a lot of economics), and left. You'd think these would have been two of the best days in the history of employment. Incorrect good sir. These days have sucked. They've sucked so much I put two blog posts up in one day (ok I've done this before). They've sucked mostly because I had been in a good flow on the phone, and I completely killed my momentum. Also I have to show some production this month as last month I did really well, and I've only booked one deal this month. Ok on to the funny. So I had an interesting thing happen to me last evening. I went out with a girl I've been talking with for a bit. She's super new york. Distressingly so. She regularly regals me with tails of her 600 dolce pumps. slap. I hate this girl. She is the antithesis of almost everything I like in women. She's not the least bit independent. Her parents pay for all her bills includiong 2K for rent! She is exclusively concerned with the superficial. I have meaningful conversations with strangers I meet on the train, but I can't get her to tell me anything valuable about herself. Why do I spend time with her? She's hot. She has a fantastic body with big boobs and a great ass. She's blond and tall (5'9) and has these amazing green/grey eyes that sort of glow. I've found that if you have wonderful eyes (and don't look bad elsewhere) I can listen to insipid prattle for sickeningly long periods. She may be the most attractive person who I've ever dated. So last nigth we got dinner, and I wanted to punch myself in the face the entire time. I figured if I had a concussion I wouldn't be bothered as much by the things she was saying. The dinner ends. We go back to her place and start hooking up. She goes down on me for about 2 minutes then suddenly stops. She looks up at me with those great eyes, and I'm thinking she's about to say something exciting like insert sexual fantasy here. I was mistaken. Instead she says "you know what I'm thinking about" I choke back "apparently not sucking cock" she starts talking I go soft. Ten minutes later I'm out the door. I just wish I wasn't so fucking pathetic. If I wasn't I'd avoid these situations in their nascence, and not have to deal with ridiculo9us situations like this one

I'm tired of everyone butchering the power rankings. He's a set worthy of my greatness.
1. New England Patriots. easiest placement. fuck Tom Brady
2. Indianapolis Colts. Why didn't they blow that titans team out?
3. Pittsburgh Steelers. Weak opponents, but impressive victories.
4. Dallas Cowboys. It pains me to put them here. The offense is so potent that in this small segment romo made all nashvilles women pregnant
5. Chicago Bears. Introducing your week four starting QB Brian Griese.
6. Denver Broncos. Defense flies, the running game is great, and I know a girl who says Cutler is hung like a horse.
7. Washington Redskins. Portis is healthy. Jason Campbell isn't awful. Santana Moss I hope dies in a fire
8. Baltimore Ravens. Defense is still top notch. Kyle Boller could win the mayorship of pittsburgh for all he's done for my steelers
9. Cincinnati Bengals. Giving up 51 points was an anomaly. You know it.
10. San Diego Chargers. This was almost unthinkable in preseason
11. Green Bay Packers. Yeah I know.... Brett Farve just inked a deal with depends. Aj Hawk kind of reminds me of AC Slater
12. Houston Texans. Oh my god how did this happen?
13. Tampa Bay Bucs. Mark it down they are the 6th seed out of the NFC
14. Seattle Seahawks. I guess QB's who look like accountants just don't bring enough to the table. Also that Super Bowl win was no fluke. The D is soft and the O is softer
15. San Francisco 49ers. Wah? weren't they supposed to suck on defense?
16. Detroit Lions. Very dangerous wide outs. Also Jon Kitna is my second cousin, and he tells me that he saw Calvin Johnson walk on water
17. Philadelphia Eagles. I thought the eagles addressed their wideout issues two years ago? Oh. That didn't turn out well? My bad.
18. New Orleans Saints. Reggie Bush just announced he'll be a contestant on dancing with the stars. run to the light young man.
19. Carolina Panthers. Steve Smith is good. The rest of the team? They resemble my toilet the morning after 30 beers.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars. David Garard, good move guys
21. Arizona Cardinals. Larry Fitz is my Bill Brasky
22. Tennessee Titans. Forget about them trust me.
23. New York Jets. Is there anyone in the country who was shocked when they cheered pennington's injury?
24. Cleveland Browns. Thanks for the help brownies.
25. Miami Dolphins. Joey Porter looks like he has a little left in the tank
26. New York Giants. week ten headline. Introducing Interim Head Coach Kevin Gilbride. (if they pull Bill Cower out of retirement next year I'm killing someone)
27. St. Louis Rams. No pace equals last place.
28. Oakland Raiders. Is JaMarcus starting yet?
29. Minnesota Vikings. Wow they are really bad. Tavaris Jackson plays qb like he can't wait to be benched
30. Buffalo Bills. 1 first down in the first half...yikes.... What's the over under on the number of fingers that cripple can move? I put it at 3
31. Kansas City Chiefs. At least we know their players have active poll dancing futures
32. Atlanta Falcons. The D would be better if it had a couple of vick's pit bulls on the field. Also Joey Harrington is a gay icon

What Frustrates Me About Mike Vick

Ok so I don't care about dog fighting. Not even a little bit. In fact if anything I"m pro-dog fighting. This may sound odd especially because I have owned dogs my whole life, and I would never want any of them to be involved in dog fighting. Sure it's somewhat gross, and the animals are mistreated. This happens to lots of dogs. Have you ever been to a dog shelter? Those places are shit holes filled with dogs people bought, and then cruelly abandoned. They torture these dogs by leaving them in cages in a room full of dogs. A higher stress dog environment almost couldn't exist. How about racing dogs? they have a useful track life of about 2 years. The very cream of the crop (maybe a percent, but I have no proof of this) are bred. The rest are usually sold to places that do medical experiments on them until they die. Culturally, we don't value the lives of dogs very highly. Nor should we they are animals just like cows (though cuter and less delicious). Onto Mike Vick. So the dude fought dogs? He didn't molest children. He didn't get caught with an illegal firearm. He just made one animal fight another animal. So what. We kill lots of animals every day. Just look at your shoes. Animals are all over those bitches. Somehow because many of us have owned dogs this guy gets crucified. His going to jail is a joke. He owned those dogs, the property he fought them on, and he harmed no person with his actions. Leonard Little a defensive player with the rams killed a bitch while driving drunk. He never missed a season. After killing the bitch he then got another dui. Still no suspension, or even sizable jail sentence. Yet somehow Mike Vick gets black listed by the NFL, and a hefty jail sentence? Oh did I mention that the dogs they took from Mike Vick are all being put down? they are.

One of my many flaws

I don't deal well with dumb people. I just struggle with it. Why? I'm impatient? I hate teaching if there isn't sex involved? I'm not detailed oriented enough? I'm not coddling? I wish I knew why, because I deal with these people every day. Every day I become silly amounts of frustrated by various peoples inability to accomplish the simplest of tasks. Yeah, I get your argument that I wouldn't be very smart in a hunter gatherer group, or whatever tribal nonsense you throw my way. I disagree I'd invent motherfucking fire. Beyond that disagreement I don't care about those lives. In a modern office environment I could do every job excepting c-level positions and accounting stuff. These things require unique skills that I don't have. However, if I give you something to input in a database it should almost never get fucked up. This is the crux of why I don't deal well with dumb people. If I know that I can do something without a problem, and I'm greener than central park, then you should be able to as well. I don't understand why this isn't the case.

Women you think are attractive, but are not

It drives me insane. Why can't everyone simply realize that my universal standard of beauty is correct? First I'm going to give you a handful of celebs who fit this classification, and then I'll break them into archetypes we're all familiar with.

The Obvious (and famous)
1. Paris Hilton
I know that she's universally reviled so this barely is worth mentioning, but she's not very good looking. I mean she has that petite head, and a decent body, but I saw that she wears a size 14 womens shoe once, and that terrifies me
2. The Olsen Twins
Oh how the mighty have fallen. These two at the age of 16 held the hearts of men everywhere. I started college at Allegheny, a little nothing school that was good for drinking. My freshman year a fake website went around the campus like wildfire. This website was supposedly an article in the NY times saying the Olsen Twins were coming to my school. It set the campus on fire. Now I wouldn't fuck them with Harry's dick.
3. Salma Hayek
Ok so I hate Frida Kahlo. I hate that a depressed person who did almost exclusively shitty self portraits is almost certainly the most famous women painter how about Okeefe or Morisot? They are both miles better, and they don't suck. Oh she's also famous for being a commie. More to the point Salma is not a good looking lady. Very gangly hardly any proper curves, and a face that only Sandy could love. Who's Sandy? He's the zoo keeper, and king of all zuss.
4. Keira Knightley
Having sex with her would be like banging Skeletor
5. Anyone on Desperate Housewives not married to Tony Parker
Ok, Eva is hot. The rest of these cougars? not so much. I mean I can practically see Teri Hatcher's Labia (they've become conscious hence the proper noun) coming out of her Capri pants.

The Archetypes
1. Rich Girls with too much time and money
stop with the $400 facials, and the more expensive accessories. If you weren't so fucking ugly you wouldn't spend all that time trying to make yourself look like you belong in Star magazine. You don't. Yes your bag is nice, and yes you still must develope a personality
2. Petite Jewish Girls
Hey! Now that's what I want in a partner, whiny. Also you looked better with curly hair, and no anorexia.
3. Skinny Tall Blond Girl I see everyday
You have no ass, no tits, and an ehh face. I see you every day, and because I'm desperate and pathetic I usually smile and say hello. You never do back. I hate you. Also if Jon tells me how hot you are again I'll lose control over my bowels.
4. Most Slanted Asians (this means koreans, north western chinese, and japanese. I don't know many others)
Ok so you win the hair and skin battle. You lose the ass, tits, personality, and most every other battle. Also I always found it really odd how the asian kids I knew hung out only with other asian kids. I try to avoid jews from sq. hill (or do they avoid me?) why can't we be a melting pot? ok enough of that. You are almost universally over rated. We're talking Chris Benson territory here. Also you all look the same.
5. Most Every Latin Girl I know
So you've got some curves. Good for you. You still aren't very pretty, and you really could stand to lose about 25 lbs worth of those curves. Nice tits though

of vitriol and the world of blogs

This is a first. In fact, this is several firsts. I am currently at work, and not working. This is not one of the firsts. The first, first is I've never written a blog post before. This may be surprising to some of you as conversations with me often seem like prolonged blog posts. I tend to make numerous losely connected, and usually unsupported arguments, and then bring them to the table as truth. In this blog I will do this exactly. I endeavor to make as many shit jokes as possible and somehow weave them into a cogent enough tale that even my friends will be able to make sense of them.